my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
