Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
