it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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