I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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