Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
