i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
