Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
