you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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