Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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