put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
