The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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