Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
