Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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