I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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