Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sober January is a disaster.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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