Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
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I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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