we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
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No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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