6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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