I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
