4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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