I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
