i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
