It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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