it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
