The maid of honor just puked.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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