I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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