He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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