He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
