I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize