I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
