she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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