I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
