Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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