why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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