U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
