Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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