My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
