I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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