forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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