I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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