I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
