I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
