Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
