woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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