It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Are we still banned from the library?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
