You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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