i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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