There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
