Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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