im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
