I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
