life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Please don't give away my fajitas
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
