It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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