he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
