What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
