are you so shy because you have an std?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Who died my cat blue again?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
