got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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