my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
